Maybe I've Failed?

I have recently begun to wonder if I have done my host country a disservice. I have witnessed so many great things while living here, yet I have shared only a few of them on this blog. I always say... hey I should blog about that... but in reality I generally don't. Either I forget, or I am too tired, or there is something more interesting to do. But the fact that no one came to visit me this year leads me to believe that no one thinks this place is amazing enough to go through the hassle of traveling here... But honestly I don't understand how anyone could stay away.

When I was thinking about coming to Korea I called up my cousin who had stayed here a few years ago and told him I was thinking about teaching in Korea. He basically told me to stop thinking about it and do it. He said it was an awesome experience. So, on his advice I took the plunge, and I do not regret coming to Korea. Sure there have been some rough patches where I questioned my decision to come here. But now, after all of it and with my first year here coming to an end I know it was the right thing to do.

I have grown as a person by being here. I have become much more independent that I was in America and I have developed many new skills. I think the best skill is the ability to appreciate what I have. When I was in America I had no idea how lucky I was. When I was 16 I travelled to France for a few weeks, and for a short time I was very thankful to be American. But that realisation soon faded and I returned to my unappreciative and privileged state. After living a year outside my comfort zone I have learned a lot more about who I am and what I want from life.

When we stay within our comfort zone and don't venture out into potentially hazardous areas we miss out on a lot. We become complacent. I was losing my lust for life. I was settling into a routine... I figured... everyone else has a routine... they seem happy, maybe that will make me happy. But I have never been one for routine. I would stay up until I wanted to sleep, and wake up when I had to... other than that I did what I had to do to pay rent, pass classes etc. but aside from that I never really wanted a routine. I think this is a problem of comparing myself to others as a means of finding happiness... it wasn't about what makes me happy, it was about what should make me happy. I was even watching TV shows for advice about how I should live my life!

I'm sick of this word "should!" I want to do what feels right. I know whats right for me. It doesn't matter what is right for others, or what others think I should do. I have to do what is right for me. Fortunately my mother sent me a very interesting book. It's called A New Earth. Reading that book reminds me of myself when I was 5. Back then I was never concerned with what others thought about me. I just wanted to do what I felt was right. Over time I was indoctrinated into our copycat society and began to fall in line with the others. Now I spend my time looking at other people wishing I could be as thin, beautiful, well-dressed, happy, intelligent etc. as them. Comparing myself to others (especially in Korea, land of the skinny people) has caused serious problems with my self image. Now that I know that I have decided to drop this idea of self image. Who cares how I look to other people? I know what I have to do to feel right. And I'm going to do that.

I'm not going to be afraid to be me anymore. I was right about most things when I was 5, I am going to listen to myself again.

That said... hmmm... quite a rant... well... A funny thing happened on the subway today. There are 12 seats on every subway car reserved for elderly, injured or pregnant people. The 6 seats on my side of the car were all taken up when a white haired yet youthful looking older man got on. He grabbed the dangling handle to help maintain his balance as the subway sped off to the next stop. Just before arriving at the next stop one of the elderly men left his seat and moved to the door. The white haired mad did not notice this change, so he stayed where he was. Just before the doors opened an older man who was still seated in one of the reserved seats tapped the white haired mans arm to point out the vacant seat. The white haired man smiled in a way that said "I'm fine" or in Korean "괸잔에요"(KwenJohnEhYoh). As he turned away I saw two interesting things. The seated man couldn't seem to understand why the standing man would choose to stand... maybe he was getting off at the next stop... nope. Three stops later I got off and the white haired man was still standing strong. The other thing I noticed was the white haired man would needlessly flex his bicep as if to remind myself "I'm standing because I am strong, I don't need a seat." Perhaps I am just reading into this too much, but his choice to stand even when there was a seat reserved for him baffled me a bit. I have often looked at those seats when all the others are taken and wished I had some sort of privilege. Just another moment of being jealous of what others have... not realising that my youth and health was much more valuable than a reserved seat on a subway. That white haired man knew that his health was more valuable and he capitalised on it.

We have to learn from others, not envy them. Korea is a land of followers. Here I have seen in an amplified way how playing follow the trend can hurt people and a nation. Korea's companies typically make products that were pioneered by companies from places like America, Japan or Europe. Daewoo's slogan is "We don't make the products you buy, we make the products you buy better." Which is their way of saying that they don't create things, they just take things and re-engineer them. When I first heard that I thought that was a good idea. But now I think innovation is essential to succeed in today's world.

Anyway, We just got a brand new Samsung 32inch LCD TV with the help of one of our fabulous students who works for Samsung and now we are taking it home... I hope it looks as good as the Panasonic we used to have, we shall see :) I have some really cool pictures to put up and as soon as I find the cable for my cell phone I will upload them. What kind of camera should I buy?